I Was Always the One I Was Waiting For

There is a kind of dying that nobody talks about.

Not the kind that happens all at once. Not the kind with a diagnosis or a tragedy or a moment you can point to. The kind I’m talking about happens slowly. Quietly. A little bit every day until one morning you look in the mirror and the person staring back at you is a stranger.

That was me.

And the worst part? I didn’t even notice I was disappearing.

For most of my life I was waiting. Waiting for someone to see me. Really see me. Not the version of me that showed up on time, held it together, kept the peace, and smiled through everything. The real me. The one underneath all of that.

I was waiting for someone to love me the way I needed to be loved. To choose me. To look at me and say I’ve got you. To take care of me the way I had watched other people be taken care of and wondered why it never seemed to be my turn.

My grandmother saw me for a while. And when that was gone…I just kept waiting.

For the next person.

And the next.

And the next.

I gave everything I had to everyone around me and called it love. But if I’m honest, some of it was a transaction. If I pour enough into you, maybe you’ll finally pour back into me. Maybe you’ll finally see me. Maybe you’ll finally choose me.

Nobody ever poured back the way I needed, so I kept disappearing.

Here’s what nobody tells you about not taking care of yourself, it doesn’t feel dramatic. It doesn’t announce itself. It looks like skipping meals because you’re too busy taking care of everyone else. It looks like going to bed exhausted but lying awake because your mind won’t stop. It looks like saying I’m fine so many times you start to believe it.

It looks like shrinking.

Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.

You stop asking for what you need because you’ve been told, directly or indirectly… that your needs are too much. You stop dreaming because surviving is already a full time job. You stop feeling joy because joy requires presence and you haven’t been present in years. You’ve been somewhere else entirely, managing, fixing, holding, carrying.

And underneath all of it, that quiet desperate hope that someone will finally notice.

That someone will finally show up for you the way you show up for everyone else.

I don’t know exactly when it happened. There wasn’t a single moment. It was more like a slow dawning. A realization that crept in and refused to leave.

Nobody is coming. Not in a bitter way. Not in a give up way.

In a clear, honest, finally-facing-the-truth way. Nobody was coming to save me. Nobody was going to love me back to life. Nobody was going to take care of me the way I had spent decades waiting to be taken care of.

If I wanted to be seen - I was going to have to see myself.

If I wanted to be loved - I was going to have to love myself.

If I wanted someone to take care of me - I was going to have to be that person.

And that realization? It broke me open in the best possible way.

Because here’s what I know now that I didn’t know then.

I was always the one I was waiting for.

Every year I spent looking outward for someone to rescue me was a year I wasn’t looking inward at the person who already had everything I needed.

She was there the whole time. Tired. A little broken. But there. Waiting for me to finally choose her.

When we don’t take care of ourselves we don’t just get tired.

We disappear. We abandon the one person who was always supposed to have our back.

We leave ourselves. And then we wonder why we feel so lost.

Not realizing that the lostness is grief. We are grieving ourselves.

Without me there isn’t a me.

Read that again.

Without YOU…there isn’t a YOU. Not for your kids. Not for your partner. Not for the people who need you. Not for the life you are trying to build. None of it exists without the foundation of you taking care of you.

I am still learning this. Some days I get it right. Some days I still catch myself waiting, old habits die slow. But I know now what I didn’t know then.

I am worth showing up for.

I am worth taking care of.

I am worth loving and I don’t need anyone else to do it first.

Here I am. Finally seeing myself.

And it only took me most of my life to realize the person I was looking for was me the whole time.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

- Mare

Inspired by “I’d Die Without You” - P.M. Dawn.