Tend The Fire

This isn’t a story about face masks or peaceful mornings. It’s about losing myself completely, and what it really took to find my way back.

I woke up angry and went to bed angry, without knowing why.

For a long time, I blamed everyone else: my husband, the kids, the system, the caseworkers, all the endless appointments. I was angry out loud until my throat hurt, and I was angry underneath it all, simmering in a way I couldn’t explain.

Doctors suggested antidepressants, but I refused at first because I was sure something else was wrong. Eventually, I gave in. A year later, coming off them was awful, especially while dealing with menopause that no one had warned me about. Then came hormone replacement on top of everything.

There was a time when I hated everyone, even myself.

I didn’t recognize who I had become.

It happened so slowly that I didn’t notice at all. Years spent giving everything to foster care, my family, and the system left nothing for myself. I had no local friends, no space, just anger building up year after year.

Burnout isn’t just a buzzword. It’s when your body breaks down, your relationships start to fall apart, and you barely recognize yourself in the mirror.

What really helped me

A damn good therapist. For five years, I kept showing up somewhere I could speak honestly, without pretending. It wasn’t about crisis management, just week after week of honesty.

Having one honest conversation. Finding someone who could listen to my real story without looking away.

Reiki. I first heard about it in 2023. It was the first time my nervous system felt calm again. That led me to Mystic Moon Healing.

The ocean. I took a solo trip to the beach when I was at my lowest, and something inside me softened in a way nothing else could reach.

Naming what was really happening. Not just calling it "stress," but saying, "I lost myself. I’ve been angry for years. I need help."

Learning that rest is a right, not something I have to earn. I had to unlearn the idea that I needed to deserve a break.

Self-care wasn’t just another thing to add to my list. It was about learning that I was worth caring for.