Just Because the Cup Is Half Full Doesn't Mean You Should Pour From It

We have all heard it. You cannot pour from an empty cup. And we nod like we understand it. We share it on Instagram. We say it to our friends who are burning out in real time.

Then we go right back to pouring from a half empty one.

Here is what nobody says out loud. A half full cup is also half empty. The positive spin does not change what is actually in there. And most of us have been pouring from half empty for so long we forgot what full even feels like.

I know because I was one of them.

There was a season of my life where self care was not even on my radar. Not deprioritized. Not pushed to the back burner. Just completely absent.

I was getting a massage maybe once a year. If that. And only if it was my birthday or I had somehow convinced myself I had earned it. Like taking care of my own body was a reward for good behavior instead of just a basic human need.

My skincare routine was washing my face and putting on moisturizer. That was it. That was the whole thing.

And the showers. I'll just say it. There were stretches where I was getting in the shower every other day if I was lucky. Jump in, jump out, done. One night after dinner I looked at my husband and said I haven't had a shower in three days. He looked at me confused and asked why. I wish I could insert a picture of my face in that moment. He got dressed and went to work every day. I was home with the kids from sunup to sundown. I cooked dinner. I managed the chaos. And by the time the day was over I was sometimes so exhausted I went to bed because I physically could not stand any longer. Not even to shower.

That was not self care. That was survival. Barely.

What I did not understand then is that the self care was never going to work anyway. Not really. Not in any lasting way.

Because self care without self worth is just maintenance. You are keeping the machine running without ever asking if the machine matters.

I did not think I mattered. Not enough to actually take care of. I thought taking care of myself was something I had to earn or schedule around everyone else or justify with a gift certificate someone else gave me.

Which is exactly what happened. My husband had two PhD students graduate and we held a party for them and as a thank you they gave me a gift certificate for a massage. Someone else gave me permission to go. So I went. My body hurt all the time from my autoimmune disease and for an hour it didn't. I went back. Then again. Then I started going every 10 to 14 days and I stopped apologizing for it.

That was the beginning. But it was just the beginning.

Moving to Colorado helped more than I expected. In Alabama I was still trying to be everything for everyone. The nonprofit. The boards. The committees. The calls. There was no margin. No space to even notice I was disappearing.

Colorado gave me space. In that space I started making different choices.

I got my nose pierced. Which sounds like a small thing but it led me to the woman who did it who was also an aesthetician and I liked her immediately. I started getting facials. She taught me how to actually take care of my skin. For the first time I genuinely enjoyed it. Not because it was productive or on the schedule. Because it felt good and I decided that was reason enough.

Each small thing I did for myself was teaching me something. And what it was teaching me was that I was worth showing up for.

I learned that lesson in a very specific way on my first solo beach trip. I booked a cheaper hotel to save money. The room had a door that opened to the outside and I couldn't sleep. I spent the whole trip uncomfortable and unsettled. And I remember lying there thinking I am not doing this again.

The next year I spent the extra money. I booked the nicer room. I slept. And something clicked into place.

Sometimes saving money is just a way of saying I'm not worth the difference.

That goes for hotels. It goes for the facial you keep putting off. It goes for the massage you only let yourself have once a year. Every time we choose the lesser option to be practical we are making a quiet decision about our own worth. And most of us have been making that decision for a long time without even realizing it. That's the half empty cup. Just enough to get by.

Here is what I have come to understand about the three things everyone talks about but nobody connects correctly.

Self worth. Self love. Self care.

We treat them like a checklist. Do the self care and eventually you will love yourself and feel worthy. But that is backwards.

If you do not believe you are worth taking care of you will not do the self care. Or you will do it once and feel guilty. Or you will do the bare minimum and call it enough. Self worth is not the reward at the end of the journey. It is the foundation the whole thing is built on.

Self worth comes first. I started to find mine in therapy. In the mirror. In the quiet moments of saying out loud I am proud of you. In the decision to stop choosing the cheaper option just because it cost less. In the realization that no one was going to save me but me and that I was actually worth saving.

Self love grows from that. The more I took care of myself the more I loved myself. Or maybe the more I loved myself the more I took care of myself. Honestly I am not sure which came first and I do not think it matters. They fed each other. They still do.

Self care is how you express all of it. It is the action that says I believe I am worth this. The regular massage. The facial routine. The hotel with the door that opens inside. The solo trip. The skirt you twirl in. The shower you actually take because you deserve to feel clean and cared for.

None of the three work without the others. You cannot self care your way to self worth. But you also cannot feel worthy without eventually doing something about it.

I look in the mirror now and I tell myself I am proud of you. Not every day perfectly. But enough.

I go to my massage not because someone gave me a gift certificate but because my body asked for it and I decided my body was worth listening to.

I have a skincare routine now. A real one. One someone taught me because I showed up and let her.

I take the shower. I book the nicer room. I buy the skirt. I take the solo trip.

Not because I earned it. Because I am worth it without having to earn anything.

So the next time someone tells you to pour from a full cup, ask yourself what is actually in yours right now. Not what you are telling yourself is in there. What is actually there.

Because half full and half empty are the same cup. And you cannot pour from either one for very long before something runs out.

Fill it first. Not someday. Now. Even if it starts with a massage someone else paid for. Even if it starts with a shower you actually take your time in. Even if it starts with booking the nicer room just once to see what it feels like to believe you are worth it.

It starts somewhere. And somewhere is enough.

Heather (Mare) is the founder of Low Tide Lighthouse and Saraphina Mare LLC. She writes about healing, identity, foster care, and the long work of becoming yourself. Find her at saraphinamare.com